Holding Space and Meeting Pain Without Harm

It's time to expand our concept of holding space to deeply consider not just our client or loved one's unique relationship with emotional pain and their nervous system capacity for it, but also our own. People are complex and individual and this includes how we experience suffering, our feelings about emotional pain, how our nervous system responds to it and what we do to regulate if we become dysregulated.

How we hold space for others can cause harm to ourselves or to the other person if we are not well matched or if we assume they experience pain the same way that we do. Perhaps you have had your own experience where holding space or being held wasn't effective or even caused harm. Was this a failure in space holding or a mismatch in capacity and relationship to pain? This article will present an important exploration into the spectrum of relationships with suffering for both the space holder and the person who is being supported.

How we experience suffering is greatly shaped by our early life experiences whether it be the way pain and suffering was modeled for us by our parents or primary caregivers but also by our own experiences with suffering. If we are unaware of how different individuals react to emotional pain or if we have not reflected on our own relationship with it, we can unintentionally cause harm to those we care for or even to ourselves. We don't get to choose how we experience emotional pain. Our relationship to suffering is deeply wired into our nervous systems and it is worthy of deep care and good boundaries.

Some people experience emotional pain as danger. Early experiences of violence, outbursts or having a more sensitive nervous system may have shaped this deep seated belief. As a space holder or the one in need of support there may be additional needs for safety, containment and presence. Other people may experience emotional pain as information. Receiving or giving insight, advice or providing orientation may be what is natural and beneficial for these individuals.

And others experience emotional pain as movement of energy. The way these individuals give or receive support may look like silence, time or witnessing/being witnessed. Everyone also has a unique nervous system capacity for suffering. At what point one becomes dysregulated or how one reacts to dysregulation and getting regulated again is totally individual. Two individuals may have a different capacity they can exceed before becoming dysregulated and a unique tolerance to dysregulation. A dysregulated nervous system can be quite normal for some because they live in that state regularly while others will be desperate to regulate again as quickly as possible.

What happens when someone who experiences pain as movement, who freely and intensely releases emotions is being held by someone who experiences pain as danger, whose nervous system may quickly become dysregulated by such intense release? What happens when someone who needs witnessing is met by someone who uses intellectual reframing to provide support? Or if the same pair reverses roles and one witnesses the one who needs advice to process their pain? Simple mismatches due to a lack of awareness or exploration of ourselves and those we support can lead to harm regardless of the depth of our compassion or how good our intentions a

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Holding space is not a one size fits all practice. Whether the space holding is happening in a personal or professional capacity, how that happens should reflect the way both individuals feel about and experience pain as well as both of their nervous system capacities. No one is obligated to hold space. Developing a deeper awareness of ourselves, our capacity, our abilities and our limits while also being deeply mindful of the unique needs of those we are in relationship with is how we can create an ethical, safe space for both people that minimizes the possibility of causing further harm to either party.

Much of what we learn about suffering and emotional expression happens unconsciously through our lived experiences. Without exploration we may not even be aware of whether or not we feel safe experiencing emotional pain. If we don't feel safe feeling emotional pain, can we feel safe being witness to someone else's emotional pain? If we do feel safe with emotional pain, what happens when we assume someone else should feel safe experiencing emotional pain who doesn't? The objective of this exploration isn't to teach everyone how to develop comfort with expression of emotional pain, our own or other's. This is a reflection exercise to expand awareness about our current capacity and the potential capacity of those we are supporting so that we can provide support in a safe, well matched and ethical manner.

As we dive deeper into this self reflection or expand our awareness to the potential needs and experiences of others, let's explore how our past experiences with emotional pain might shape our or other's framework and nervous system capacity. You might think about your own experiences, what you learned from your parents or the experiences of other people you know. Consider how each of these can shape an individual's relationship with experiencing or witnessing intense emotions.

Shutting down and going numb.

Crying and emotional release.

Reaching out to others for processing.

Isolating and processing inward.

Numbing or blocking suffering through alcoholism or substance abuse.

Seeking pleasure to block pain through eating, sex or other addictions.

Denial or suppression by using positivity, reframing or blocking.

Public intense emotional expression.

Violent outbursts.

Self harm or suicide.

Intellectualizing or cognitive processing of emotions.

Turning pain into purpose.

Instrumental coping through distractions or being busy.

Reflecting on some of the different ways people may experience emotional pain isn't about right or wrong. This is an exploration of how people learned to find safety.

Many people have never had the experience of allowing themselves to fully feel emotional pain or may not have had the experience of being witness to another person fully experiencing emotional pain. It's important to have an understanding of how our nervous systems respond and what our individual capacity is while also being mindful of the potential capacity and limits are of the other person we are supporting and how they regulate.

When we react to emotional pain, what happens can be automatic and messy. It can be the difference between feeling safe and unsafe and when we are dealing with healing, past traumas or old wounds resurfacing feeling safe is key. The consequence can be compounding trauma, triggering additional pain or wounds and shutting down the emotional release or healing process for either involved party.

Think about how you or others you know respond to pain or dysregulation.

If someone learned that intense emotional release can lead to out of control behaviour and violence, it isn't ethical to ask them to be present for those who are experiencing intense emotional release without first having their own healing supported and creating new nervous system experiences that create safety around this. Another person may not know how to connect with and feel their emotions because they learned very early in their life that they weren't lovable if they were emotional. Someone who is an instrumental coper may not be able to cope with emotional release without using action or service to regulate their nervous system. We don't choose how or when our nervous system stays regulated. These are unconscious reactions that are deeply wired within us.

As we explore our own nervous system and how we handle dysregulation and what our natural tendencies are as we try to regulate, we can become more aware of how everyone has a different capacity for safe versus unsafe and what techniques are helpful or harmful for each person individually.

So what is the takeaway? If I could redefine holding space it would be two people meeting each other during one or both's time of suffering in a way that does not exceed the emotional capacity of either party and meet's at least some of the primary needs of those who are experiencing suffering without causing harm to either party. Holding space does not require anyone to extend beyond their nervous system capacity or what feels safe. It asks of us to be deeply mindful of our own relationship with suffering while gently exploring the needs of those we are holding space for with the intention of meeting some of those needs if we can.

It is important to continuously recenter the one we are holding space for without exceeding our own capacity for meeting their needs. Deepening our awareness of how those we care about experience emotional pain and what is helpful to them and being honest with ourselves about what our abilities and limits are while also having additional options available when we should not or cannot meet the needs of others is healthy and responsible to ourselves and others. And never underestimate how beneficial just being connected with care can be. Sometimes the most ethical way to hold space is to remain gently connected while allowing other forms of support to meet what we cannot.